Friday, July 25, 2008

Emer Is a Man's Man

Merriam-Webster defines a Man's Man as: "a man noted or admired for traditionally masculine interests and activities. See also: Emer, and to Emer" Yup, that's right. Emer is so incredible he's now been added to the dictionary along with 100 other new entries such as:

Air quotes (1989) : a gesture made by raising and flexing the index and middle fingers of both hands that is used to call attention to a spoken word or expression. You'll never catch Emer using "air quotes" to make a point.

Dirty bomb (1956): bomb designed to release radioactive material in your pants.

Infinity pool (1992): what women experience when looking into Emer's eyes.

Mondegreen (1954): word or phrase that results from a mishearing of something said or sung. From the mishearing in a Scottish ballad of "laid him on the green" as "Lady Mondegreen." First coined by Emer in 1954 when he traveled back in time.

To Emer (2008): To be incredibly handsome, rugged, charming and funny without trying. A man's man.

What's great about Emer is he likes sports, like baseball. His favorite team is the Phillies, and despite the fact that the Phillies has the gayest logo in the world (I mean, come on, who dots their i's with stars? Little girls who also dot their i's with smily faces, hearts and flowers, that's who) it doesn't bother Emer one little bit. Do you know why? Because he's so confident in his masculinity he can overlook that gay logo and root for the team he loves, that's why.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Emer vs. Flounder

Emer Flounders is at the top of the food chain and eats flounder deep fried in beer batter with mayo.
The Flounder is a bottom feeder and has no access to condiments.
No contest.
Emer 1, Fish 0

Both have eyes on the same side of their head.
Emer 2, Fish 1
Both can fertilize hundreds of eggs.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that although Emer's virility is on par with Zeus, it's not necessarily a good thing, considering child support and all. However, since Emer likes eating fish and chips, more flounder to eat is a good thing. Point goes to Fish, unless Emer likes to eat his young.
Emer 2, Fish 2

Flounder was the best friend of Ariel, the Little Mermaid. He probably even got to see her change out of her sea-shell bra.
Emer is animated and likes chasing tail.
This is a tough one to call. But, since Flounder doesn't have opposable thumbs, and Emer has the ability to undo a bra one-handed, I've got to give this one to Emer. Plus, Emer has a rare first edition of the original Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Anderson. Suck it, Flounder.
Emer 3, Fish 2

Flounder were found living at the bottom of Marianas trench, the deepest location on the earth's crust where it is over one thousand times the standard atmospheric pressure at sea level.
While on land, there is no possible way to crush Emer. His optimism and radiant smile can sheild him from any attempt. However, if he attempted to dive to the bottom of the Marianas trench he'd be crushed by the pressure like something that is easy to crush, like a Styrofoam cup in the shape of Emer.
Emer 3, Fish 3

While there are many variable and considerable differences between Emer Flounders and a flounder, I have come to the conclusion that they are not only incredibly different and amazing in each of their own special ways, but that they are also equals. If only we could all learn to live in such harmony like Emer, the circle of life would not only be complete, but beer-battered and tasty.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

All Signs Point Toward Emer

Little did this woman know (Note: original image removed even though I think she looked fine in the picture, she was'nt happy with it sooooo...) that when she shook the Magic 8 Ball, that compendium of answers to all our eternal questions, the little floating triangle would actually say "All Signs Point Toward Emer." Emer is fully aware of this phenom that occurs in his presence and is waiting to see her reaction. By the look of sheer happiness on her face, you can tell that she's just read the magical answer.

I know Emer himself is a source of divine answers. If I were the Hulk and had a burning question I bet I could pick Emer up, shake him, and his eyes would float mysteriously in his skull until they revealed the answer I was looking for. Something like: "All signs point toward SMASH." Unfortunately, I'm not strong enough to lift Emer over my head yet, let alone shake him like a an au pair would a baby, so I will never know this for certain until my Gamma Ray experiments are complete.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Gawker Missed the Boat on Flounders

I can't believe it!

Gawker runs a poll for The Hottest Guys in Publishing and Emer isn't on it? I mean, I'm just a guy with a total man-crush on The Flounders, and even though I like the ladies, I find Emer a Hunk. Not that I want to do anything with him, except maybe have a beer with the man and swap some stories, but I'm secure enough in my sexuality to say that Emer is Sexy.

Maybe if we two were cowboys, out on the range, herding cows and totally hard up... something might happen, but thats not the point. This man oozes a confidence I wish to emulate and he should have been on that list.

Well, maybe not.

The list is a poll for the "Hottest Guys in Publishing," not "The Sexiest Men in Publishing."

There's a big difference. Ummm, which is.... "Hot" means they're, um, good looking and "Sexy" means you want to have sex with them.

awwwwwwwwww, crap.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

I Bet Emer Can Command the English Language

There are several words in the English language that make women squirm. "Moist" is at the top of that list, followed by "Panties" and "Lover." Being a dude, I really don't understand why these words are anathema, but I've been told several times by many different ladies never to use those words. Ever. However, I bet Emer could string those words into a sentence that included the phrase "Moist lover panties" which would have the fairer sex swooning. Such is his command of the language.

Emer Sighting on 18th Street

I spotted Emer strolling down 18th street, cell phone in hand, and owning the sidewalk. Look. This is New York City. There are like Millions and Millions of people in this city, plus annoying tourists, yet they've cleared out to let Emer pass. He's like frickin' Moses parting the Red sea, except he's not Jewish, and instead of water it's people that have parted, and instead of a staff he's got a cell phone. Emer definitely has god on his side. Look out Satan! Emer's got your number.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Emer Sighting With Mary Jane's Last Dance

Emer proves that chivalry is not dead, just mortally wounded (or has blisters) in what has to be the strangest twist on Cinderella and Prince Charming ever. Here's Emer helping a lass change out of her $200 leather Mary Jane's into a pair of five buck flip-flops so she can walk the streets at night.

Well, if the shoe fits...